Monthly Archives: October 2020

Starting to Date – What Happens Now?

I decided it might be helpful to sit down and write about what I have learned so far from dating.  Since I started this blog, I have been on a few dates.  The women that went on these dates with me have all been truly kind.  I have also done my best to be kind to them.  I have to confess, not all of my dates have been with women I met online, although it was my primary strategy at first.  I’m still having some difficulty trying to get to know the women I meet online, at least those that will respond to my messages, smiles, flirts, or whatever they are.  But actually, being able to meet them in person, is a whole other story.  However, I did meet one genuinely nice woman by being introduced through mutual friends.

I liked being introduced to a woman by mutual friends rather than actually going online to try and meet someone who knows absolutely nothing about me, except what I write in my personal profile.  I have learned that women don’t necessarily trust men enough to believe what they have written in their personal profile.  I have also found that many men on these dating sites are actually married!  All they want is a “hook-up,” which I found out is what they call it these days (yes, it’s a thing).  Again, this is one of those new phrases I know nothing about nor how to use it properly, especially because it is unfamiliar slang.  I also discovered there are online dating sites setup for this specific purpose, to find a hook-up!  I guess a hook-up is meeting someone strictly for the purpose of exploring a mutual physical attraction.  I could try to define this in more specific terms, but I’m trying to maintain a blog that has a PG rating.

The real advantage to being introduced by someone you know, and she knows, is you get validation about the other person’s personality and genuineness.  In other words, you can pretty well believe what your friends are telling you about this other person and what they’re telling the other person about you.

A woman that I met on an online dating site told me about an over 50’s “Group” affiliated with one of the more popular social media sites.  First of all, I’m really happy that this person told me about this group.  It’s been really fun meeting so many new people.  I’m also impressed because this woman told me about this group for no apparent reason.

I have been on several dates with the woman I was introduced to by our mutual friends.  It really has been a lot of fun.  I haven’t gotten really serious with any of these women.  Heck!  It’s only been a short period of time since I have even started dating.

A short while ago I was dating another woman that I really liked, only to find out she didn’t like me as well as I liked her.  Ouch!  We got along really well and liked each other, so I know we will remain really good friends.  There is nothing wrong with having friends that are women.  Who knows, they may have a single friend they may want to introduce me to.

What I’ve learned from all of this is if one method of meeting women isn’t working, move on to another.  Although, I highly recommend meeting someone through mutual friends, family members, or your cousin’s best friend’s nephew’s former roommate’s sister (something like that, yes, I stole that from a movie).  When it comes to love, you just never know what’s going to happen.

You also don’t need to worry about wearing sunglasses, a classy watch, nor a leather Bomber Jacket.  Although, you may want to go with the new shoes.

Being Single and Stuff

After my wife passed away, I realized that I had a lot of work to do.  I don’t just mean making funeral arrangements and sorting out financial affairs, I mean what am I going to do with all of this “stuff?”

Okay, here’s the deal, when my wife and I got married I had quite a bit of stuff.  My wife also had a lot of stuff.  Then, throughout our 15 year marriage we accumulated even more stuff.  Then, my mother passed away, my maternal grandmother passed away, and my father passed away, within about a year of each other.  After the dust settled, guess who ended up with all of their stuff?  What a mess!

It was a real challenge trying to figure out what to do with all of their belongings.  We ended up holding an estate sale.  We sold almost everything.  Then, we donated some of the rest of it.  We tossed more of it, but there was still stuff that ended up coming home with me.

Now that my wife has passed, I am stuck with all of these belongings that never belonged to me.  Plus, I still have all of the belongings my wife and I accumulated over our 15 years of marriage.  I am now on my own, in this big house, that is way too big for just me.  Heck, it was even too big for my wife and me.  So, I have been thinking about downsizing.  To be completely honest I still have almost all of my wife’s clothes and personal items.  She had a lot of books too.  I let my brother-in-law come and take three totes full of books.  My bookshelves look like they haven’t even been touched!  In other words, I still have a ton of books.

In order for me to downsize, I am going to have to get rid of a lot of this stuff.  I would like to give most of it away to family.  Some of it I would like to sell.  The rest of it I would like to just toss.  I even need to go through all of my stuff and decide what to do with it.  I think a good portion of it just needs to be donated or tossed.  I would like to give some of my possessions to my kids.  But they can’t have my records until I’m gone.

I’ve been thinking that maybe I ought to rent one of those household sized dumpsters.  I could throw out all of my “stuff to be tossed” items into the dumpster.  I don’t even know where I would find one of these dumpsters.  I would probably need it for a few days because I would still have to sort through all of this stuff and decide what to do with it.  Then I would have to find people to help me carry all of the “to be tossed” junk into the dumpster.

One of the important questions I have about downsizing is, where would I go?  I could sell my house and come away with a good chunk of equity.  But where am I going to live?  If I bought another home, even if it was a smaller home than what I have now, in this market, it’s still going to be pricey.  The equity from my current home might cover the down payment on a new home.  But I would probably be stuck with a huge mortgage that I can’t afford.

I really don’t want to move out of the area I’m in.  I live in a place called Stansbury Park.  It’s in Tooele County, Utah.  It is such a wonderful place to live.  I really like all of my neighbors (even those that have dogs that bark incessantly), I love the people in my church, and I really like living in this somewhat rural community.  From where I live, Salt Lake City is only about 30 miles away.  It’s not a big deal for me to drive into Salt Lake to go shopping or go to doctor appointments.  Sometimes I even drive into town just to go to dinner.  Plus, my children, my daughter-in-law, and grandson live in the Salt Lake area.  I enjoy driving into town to see them.

You Tube has been my go to solution for learning about stuff I know nothing about.  So, that’s where I went to see if I could find some answers to my dilemma.  Most of these “experts” claimed to be interested in helping you downsize.  What I found out is most these folks are real estate agents.  They are only interested in selling you a home.

I did find one remarkably interesting video on downsizing.  It was posted by a woman that just went through the downsizing process before moving into her new home.  Her video was “25 things to get rid of when downsizing.”  Some of the items on her “get rid of” list didn’t pertain to me, like paint, old shower curtains, baby clothes, old toys, and old rugs.  I really don’t have any of that kind of stuff.

She did have some items on her list that definitely pertained to me and I have plenty of these items in my home, like kitchen gadgets, coffee mugs, games, college textbooks, and old technology.  My wife and I collected a large number of kitchen gadgets over the years.  For example, we actually have a set of measuring spoons for: a tad, a smidgen, a pinch, and a dash.  I’m serious!  I actually have these.  I have already gotten rid of a bunch of coffee mugs since I quit drinking coffee.  I tell myself I will use the remaining mugs for hot chocolate.  Who am I kidding?  I have at least a dozen board games that I will never play.  Most of them have never even been opened.  I also still have my college textbooks.  Why?  I have no idea.  They’re 40 years old.  I’m never going to use them again.  Lastly, I still have quite a bit of old technology laying around.  I have some cd players, a dvd player, a Wii game that I will never play, and several old cell phones that need to go. Believe me, I have plenty of stuff that needs to go.  It’s overwhelming.  It’s also been very difficult to think about getting rid of stuff that my wife was fond of, like her machete.  Yes, my wife actually had a machete from when she was in Honduras.  What in the world am I going to do with a machete?  I wish I could use it to hack away all of my stuff!

The Thing About Being Single

The other day I sent my daughter a text message to let her know I chose her to be the custodian of my Facebook account in case something happens to me.  Her reply was “Is that even a thing?”  I’ve been hearing this phrase for a while now.  I laugh when someone says it.  I’m wondering if, being 61, a widower, and single is a “thing.”  I guess it probably is.

Recently, I have been working on embracing my singleness.  It wasn’t my choice to become single again.  I would much rather still be married to my wife.  Since that isn’t happening, I have no choice but to do my best to live my life happily without a spouse.  The blogs I have been posting are about what it’s like to be single after 15 years of marriage.  It’s tough!  Adjusting to single life is no walk in the park.

I have already talked about the online dating scene.  What a farce!  I have also been looking for “Dating Advice for Men over 60.”  This has been a real challenge!  Most of the advice they provide is for women.  Here are some words of advice they are giving these women: “What do Single Men Over 60 Really Want,” “Dating Over 60 – 3 Tips to Give You Confidence,” and “5 Questions to Never Ask a Man When Dating over 50.”  I even watched a video about how a woman should flirt with a man.  I thought dating advice for men was complicated.  But this is overwhelmingly complicated.  Apparently, many women think “older men” want a younger woman.  What!?  I have no idea why a man would want to date a younger woman (I’m thinking he’s 50 and she’s 27).  What in the world would they have in common?  For example, music is especially important to me.  I would like to meet a woman that is close to my age and is at least familiar with my kind of music, which happens to be “Classic Rock,” rock and roll from the 60’s and 70’s.  I guess you could include some music from the early 80’s if you wanted to.  Yes, Classic Rock is a thing.  Movies are also important to me.  I would like to meet a woman who knows what “Wayne’s World” is.  I don’t think that’s asking too much.  It’s not like I’m asking them to understand all of the nuances of Dr. Strangelove or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (yes, that is the real title of the movie – look it up).

There are other aspects to being single, you know, the “thing,” that I would like to discuss.

Since becoming single, I have noticed that some of my behaviors are changing.  For example, I find that I talk to myself.  A lot!  Out loud!  I especially find myself yelling at the television while watching football.  I also make rude comments during television commercials.  Yes.  Out loud with no one else in the room or even in the house.  More recently I have started talking to my computer.  I do not mean voice recognition or anything like that.  I mean talking to the women that appear on my online dating sites.  If only these women could hear what I am saying to them.  Wouldn’t that be something?  Then, I just laugh at myself.  I think, “This is crazy!”

These changes started to occur during the past few months.  I have no idea why this is happening.  Maybe it’s the pandemic.

I do not know if this is related, but I have also started singing out loud while listening to some of my favorite music, especially while driving in my car.  My wife and I used to “scream sing,” that is what we called it, to some of our favorite songs, like “Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner” by Warren Zevon (the guy who wrote Werewolves of London).  We used to scream sing to that one in the car a lot!  There are a lot of others that we also sang.  I guess it has just carried over from that.  Honestly, I don’t even know most of the words to many of these songs.  But I sing them out loud anyway, with great vigor.

I said in one of my other blogs that I like having free reign of the remote control.  I do not know how much of a change this is, but I have only recently become aware of feeling this way.  I guess I used to just take it for granted.  The challenge now is trying to operate multiple remotes.  Thanks to “streaming,” I now have a remote for my satellite, one for my television, one for my sound, one for my Blu-ray player, and one that I’m not sure what it does.  I know “streaming” is a thing now, but it didn’t used to be.  I remember black and white television with rabbit ear antennas and tin foil wrapped around the top.  So, you can understand why It took me a long time to even figure out what “streaming” was.  Now I’m signed up for Disney+, Amazon Prime, and a few others.  I guess that’s what “streaming” is.  I think there are other kinds of “streaming” that I’m not familiar with.  I have to have my 13 year old nephew explain it all to me.  It’s not his fault that I still don’t understand it all.

Another change I’ve made is keeping a journal.  I started writing in it at the beginning of September 2020.  I did this not so much to keep a record of what I have done, but to write down and keep a record of my thoughts and feelings about being single and what it’s like trying to date again.  This is important and is a thing.  It has been a good release for me because of living alone and not having anyone else around most of the time.  Hey!  If can’t talk to myself, who else am I going to talk to?

Okay, full disclosure, which is also a thing, it’s difficult keeping up with all these “things,” I do have a 13 year old nephew and he has tried to explain stuff (notice I didn’t say “things”) to me.  But I exaggerated earlier about to what degree he helps me.  I’m usually so baffled by technology, current verbiage, and streaming I have to just pretend like I understand what people are talking about. I am incredibly grateful that, at the very least, I can operate my computer well enough to write my blog and post it on Facebook, so people know that it’s out there.  So being single and trying to navigate the current culture is most definitely a thing.

Bomber Jackets and emoji’s

I’ve been trying to navigate this whole dating thing since I decided I wanted to jump into the dating pool.  What a mess!  How does a 61 year old man figure out how to date after being married for 15 years and single again for two more?  That’s 17 years total since dating anyone.  Since then, believe me, the rules have changed, a lot!

So, I went online and tried to find some advice from the so called “experts.”  It was no help at all.  This one “dating coach” said to wear things that girls love.  First of all, I’m not looking for “girls.”  I would like to meet a nice woman.  I’m too old for girls.  I listened to what this dating coach said.  If I did follow her advice, I feel like I would be trying to be someone I’m not.

The first thing she said was to wear sunglasses.  Ugh!  I have prescription sunglasses and I usually only wear them when I’m driving.  I’m certainly not wearing them to try to look cool or attractive or whatever the goal is here.  She also said men should wear a nice watch.  Sorry, I don’t wear jewelry.  If I ever get married again, I’ll wear my wedding ring, but no watch.  Sorry ladies.  She said to wear a few other things, but the one thing that really got to me was she said to wear a leather jacket.  What!?  I’m not a leather kind of person.  I’m only interested in meeting women, not in joining a motorcycle gang.  She also said to wear a bomber jacket.  Now that is something I could get into.  I really like bomber jackets.  I’ve looked for them online in the past, but I’m not buying a leather bomber jacket.

The point is, I just want to be me.  Yes, I will try to dress nice.  I’ll even take a shower, brush my teeth, and comb my hair.  But I’m not wearing sunglasses just to be cool, a watch, nor a leather bomber jacket.  That’s just not my style.  When I was in college, we attended events that required semi-formal dress.  We thought that meant clean underwear and socks (college kids.  What are you gonna do)?  That I could handle.  I think that rule still applies, only with a few more requirements added on.

I watched a video about how to flirt with women over text.  I watched it and decided all of this was too confusing.  Again, I just can’t see myself doing those things.  I mean some of the things she suggested were only common sense, like compliment her, and don’t be overly aggressive or needy.  Well, yeah.  Again, common sense.  But use emoji’s?  And not just any emoji, she said to use the smiley face that was blushing or the smirk face.  I don’t think my phone has those things.  I found an emoji that has a smiley face, but I couldn’t locate one that was blushing too.  It’s all just too much pressure to try and remember all of this.

There was another video that suggested 10 signs someone likes you.  Again, I’m not sure I can figure this out.  I’m not that perceptive.  After all, I’m a man and half brain dead anyway.  She wants me to pay attention to body language.  To me body language is smiling or folding her arms across her chest (not a good sign) or playing with her cell phone while I’m talking to her.  At that point it’s a pretty good indication that I’ve lost her.

I just don’t know about all of this.  Why can’t I just be me?  I will admit there are a few things these “experts” said I thought might be worthwhile.  For example, shoes.  I definitely need new shoes.  I need a new pair of tennis shoes (okay, sneakers), two new pairs of dress shoes (one black and one brown), and a nice pair of casual shoes.  That would take care of that.  Oh, and yes, the bomber jacket.  I for sure want one of those.

This is my approach to dating.  Practice good manners, you know chew with my mouth closed, don’t reach across the table, and my grandfather’s favorite, always keep at least one foot on the floor.  Another one is, be polite, for example open doors for her, help her put her coat on, let her go first, and give her my handkerchief if she starts to cry or needs to blow her nose (I better buy some new handkerchiefs).  Do they even make those anymore?  Next, make her laugh.  I have found from reading many dating site profiles that women want a man that will make her laugh.  Apparently, this is extremely important, because almost every profile I looked at said something about making her laugh.  Talk about pressure!  Also, be kind, not just to my date, but to other people also.  I never want to be a jerk, at all, but especially in front of my date.  To me, these things are important.  I guess I’m old fashion.  I realize that my date is perfectly capable of opening her own doors and putting her coat on without my help.  I just believe that’s the way to be a gentleman and I want to be a gentleman.  That’s the way my mother and father raised me.

Ultimately, I just want to be me.  I don’t want to try to be someone I’m not.  If that doesn’t work in being able to meet and date women, then I’m not interested.  After all, I want to be with someone who will accept me just the way I am…and my bomber jacket.